So yet again, I found myself really not buying into the whole God and Church thing. I became more and more hostile from my perceived wrongs of the church. Everywhere in the news something bad was happening, a priest was molesting a little kid, people were committing horrible atrocities in the name of God and I just determined that it wasnt for me. I was 19.
I was working at a microfilm place dating Joe. He was a drummer. He had crazy hair and I fell in lust with him. I had kind of known him from high school, he had dated my friend KristEN's (not blond hair KristIN) sister Shannon for a few years. I had just come back from art school when I saw him as I was driving down the road. Funny how things happen like that. We pulled over and exchanged numbers. A few months later I was pregnant, no art school, wrecked my car and found out he was cheating on me, which totally crushed me and broke my heart and spirit. I could say I was idealistic or whatever, but I just trusted people. That when they gave thier word, they meant it. That when they said they loved you, they meant it. It was a big lesson.
Things were turmultuous to say the least. Joe was a pretty package, cool, irresponsible, dressed weird and was a musician. We never really got along well. When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. I knew I wouldnt. I even made an attempt to go to the abortion clinic to make it seem like I was *trying*. But I already had made a connection with this little precious life inside me. It was real. It was like a cocoon that wrapped around me, an aura of sweetness and life.
When I was 20, I gave birth to Lexy. She has turned out to be my saviour in many ways. She was alot of peoples saviours during that time when she was born. Before Lexy, I was clubbing, doing drugs, and crazy things....and after I had her, I wanted a good life for her. To be a mom she could be proud of. I was living with Joe for a few years. We got married when Lexy was 2.5.
Joe had a mom named Joy. She was very very Christian. She was the type, if you found a penny on the ground it was God. When she spoke of God I always felt guilty. Like God was a peeping Tom at my window, waiting for me to do something bad. She sold rainbow vaccum cleaners, Noni Juice and pretty much every other multilevel marking scheme known to man. I began to feel like her verion of God was like a multilevel marketing scheme, the more you recruit, the more points you get with God. I finally was guilted into going to church with her. It was weird. People raised there hands up in the air and praiesed the lord alot. They were very vocal. Not like the Catholics or the much tamer spectrum of the protestant church, the Non Denoms. It was wild. I didnt like it very much. It seemed fake. She left that church shortly after because she said "God wasnt there". At the time I got that. Then she found another church and God was there. But shortly after she left because He wasnt there anymore. I was wondering where she thought God kept going? I also found out that desicions we make based on guilt, never bring about positive things in our lives.
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